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The Never Ending Story

Chapter 5: Sweeping It Under The Rug

9 Months later…

Being a single mom is harder than I thought! I mean, of course I knew that it wouldn’t be easy, but it’s a lot harder when you live over 3000 miles away from your family and friends. Granted, Darren has thee best day care in the world so I do have help, but when he’s home, he is a piece of work. My baby is 1 now and he literally gets into everything! The other day I caught him playing in my personal drawer…you know, the drawer with all of the naughty things that you have to keep stashed away as a single woman. I gotta tell y’all about this story. Okay, so I have ONE friend out here in LA and I invited her over last week to have wine and dinner. So I cooked a nice meal then comfort-nursed Darren until he fell asleep and laid him snug in his crib. This was my first time having company since my move so I was excited to finally  have some grownup time.

So there we were, chit chatting in my living room when all of a sudden, we see my little bow-legged baby running out my room with my jumbo size jack rabbit (if you don’t know what that is, you shouldn’t be reading this. Skip to the next paragraph.) I was so embarrassed! When we noticed what he had in his hand, I screamed, “Give me that nasty thing Darren, it’s old and dusty. Then I looked at her and said, “don’t worry girl, that thing doesn’t even work anymore.” Then he pushed the power button and it started vibrating at full speed–it showed absolutely no sign of being broken. Luckily, they haven’t started making those things with a Siri or Alexa type feature yet. He would have pushed that button and we would have heard, “Welcome back Tiff! Wow, you have reached a streak of 7 days in a row. The usual setting of high-speed & deep penetration?” I haven’t heard from my friend since.

The hardest part about being a single mom, besides potty training, is wanting to be everything for your child. You want to know how to solve all of your child’s problems. You want to be their protector, their nutritionist, their doctor, their personal comedian, their comforter, their other parent and their role model. I am learning so much about myself just from trying to be a good mother. Like, did you know that black folk are known for sweeping things under the rug? I knew that we were, but I didn’t know the extent of how much sweeping we do. It all starts with, “What happens in this house stays in this house.” A lot of shit happens in black houses y’all. For people who are wondering, it’s more than just “in this house;” it’s also whatever happens in your family, to your family, because of your family and don’t even get me started with what happens in your church. We  just sweep everything under the rug and act like everything is all good. We sweep big situations and little-minuscule things; essentially, those things shape who we become in the future.

When I was younger, my parents used to host holidays at our house. They could throw down in the kitchen and they were super fun, so all of my family and friends used to love coming over. Because my parents had to do all of the cooking, I would do all of the cleaning. We weren’t the neatest people so it was only but so much that I could clean on my own. So every holiday, I would go cry to my mom that I was running out of time before the guests arrived and I couldn’t finish cleaning everything. “Just put the rest of the stuff in the guest room and close the door. We just gotta make sure nobody goes in there, but make sure your grandmother doesn’t go snooping around.” Seems small right? Just throw everything in the room and let the rest of the house sparkle like we were the cleanest people in the world. “And the lie detector says, That’s a lie!”We were fronting! Everyone thought, “Wow, this house is beautiful and spotless! My family sure is perfect.” Little did they know, we had a whole room full of imperfection. As a child, I thought that mask was normal, but now, as an adult, I know it’s not. That just taught me to hide my mess and portray to the world that I have it all together.  

Now that I live in Cali, I am finding out just how much crap I have hidden up under my rug! I have to learn how to face all of it  ASAP because I have a future man looking up to me. I just don’t know where to start. My goal for raising my son is to raise a God-fearing, honest man who is who he is all the time; but I wish that I had help… his father’s help. God I miss that man. How can I teach my boy how to be a man when I am clearly not one? When he gets old enough, I have to explain to him why his daddy isn’t here, I definitely can’t sweep that away. I don’t even know how to start that conversation. Who will help me tell him that his daddy is dead and never coming back? I don’t speak to my own dad, so I can’t even have him step in. Who will teach my son how to shave, or how to stand up and pee? God said he wouldn’t put more on me than I could bear…so I must have faith that I can do this, right?

I try not to post too much on social media now because 1, I don’t want people to know that I’m borderline depressed and 2, I don’t want to post acting like I have such a perfect life out here with my son. Work is going well, my new church is awesome and my financial situation is great, but I am extremely overwhelmed right now. I barely speak to Tynika or my other friends. I’m over the graduation day arguments, but I just need to focus on me and Darren for now. That’s also why I haven’t met up with Semaj yet. He’ll text every now and then to see how I’m doing, but I just keep the conversation short before he gets the chance to invite me out. I’m not ready yet!

I cry myself to sleep sometimes and most days, I just want to be left alone. There are lots of people around me, some with kids too, which is great of course, but I still don’t want to socialize for some reason. I just want to be with Darren. I know who I want to become right now as a person, but it’s hard to be her when I am still getting rid of that masked, clean up woman I used to be. It’s time for me to break that generational cycle! So metaphorically, my house is actually clean and I don’t have to hide my mess…but for some reason I don’t even recognize my own place anymore. Who am I? I have to figure things out. 

 

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The Never Ending Story

Chapter 4: Cali Dreams & Gummy Smiles

“Relax baby, mi promise to take mi time with you,” Semaj softly whispers in my ear, pulling my body closer to his. I cannot believe that I am in his arms again. He looks exactly how I remember, he feels exactly how I remember and I want him just as badly as I remember. The only thing that has changed is his smell. I have to admit, I am not too fond of his new smell, but whatever, I’ll just buy him a new cologne after I give him some of this here cookie. It’s been so long since I’ve had sex and I am more than ready! I need to release some of this tension that I’ve been holding inside.

Semaj begins to gently kiss my lips…biting and licking my bottom lip when necessary.  He then kisses my neck and immediately finds out where my spot is. “You like that?”
He says while sucking on my neck. I don’t just like it, I love it, but I won’t tell him that just yet.  I begin to move my pelvis closer to his so that  I can affirm that his body is craving mine just as much as I his, but he pushes me away. “You’re teasing me Daddy, I like that,” I moan. Semaj then works his way down to my breast, sucking on my nipples like he is a hungry new-born baby. He slowly kisses his way to my belly, then my…”Wait! Did I shave my kitty?” I ask myself. “What did you just say?” Semaj asks, popping his head up. He dropped his accent and everything! I cannot believe I said that out loud! I thought I said it in my head. Think Tiffany! Think, think, THINK. “I said, wait, did I say kitty? That’s my safe word…kitty!” Y’all, he bought it.

He didn’t waste any time picking back up exactly where he left off. I’m screaming and moaning uncontrollably as he tastes every bit of me like I am his favorite flavor of candy. I’m holding onto his dreads as he’s taking me to ecstasy. I can’t take it anymore, I must feel him! “I’m ready, I want you,” I scream out. Even though the room is dark,  I can still see Semaj’s sexy, excited body coming towards me. Just as he is about to slide into me, the bedroom door slams open and the lights flicker on!

“Tiffany, you don’t know him like you think you do!” Tynika screams at me. Semaj jumps up and covers his awaiting erection with a pillow. “What the hell are you doing here? Get out!” I scream at Ty. She is really trying me right now! This is not the time for a  moment nor a deep convo, I need Semaj to finish what we’ve started. “Girl, why do you think I’ve kept him away from you after all these years? It wasn’t an accident that I didn’t tell you I’d heard from him!” Ty yells.”You’re just mad that someone actually wants more than just sex from me. Jealousy is real ugly on you,” I replied.

All of a sudden she charges towards me to pull me out of the bed! I start swinging on her, hoping to rack up enough hits to get her to back off. I land like 2 slaps before she forcefully punches me in my face. Remember, I can’t fight so this 1 punch did me in! “Baby, your teeth! Tynika, what have you done?” Semaj exclaims. I look down and see all of my teeth laying on the floor. I begin to cry the gummiest cry ever. Then I hear a familiar, angry voice say, “So you sleeping with another nigga now? You givin’ my shit away?” Oh my gosh, y’all will not believe who it is! “Craig? How did you get in here?” I can barely get the words out because I’m missing all my teeth, I’m crying really hard and I am confused! “I’m not giving it away baby, I’m still yours. He didn’t feel me babe, I love you!” I say as I offer Craig a hug, a stream of tears and a gummy smile.

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. As we start our descent, please make sure the backs of your seats and tray tables are in their full upright position. Make sure your seat belt is securely fastened and all carry-on luggage is stowed underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead bins. Thank you.”

I jump up, only to realize that I was dreaming. My neighbor is now staring at me, looking relieved that I am no longer laying on his arm. That would explain the weird odor I smelled on Semaj.  “Well, hello there! You must have had a pretty interesting dream there little lady,” he proclaims with a deep country accent. “I did! I am so sorry for whatever I did or said while I was asleep sir,” I say with much embarrassment. “Oh no worries, I didn’t mind at all. I didn’t want to move and risk waking you and that little feller of yours. Although, I am curious to know, did you figure out whether or not you shaved.” We burst out into  hysterical laughter. I am so ashamed.

I look out the window enjoying the fact that I am actually beginning to see the gorgeous Cali mountains and the infamous palm trees. I am in awe right now. “Oh my goodness! Mommy cannot believe that this is really happening! Darren baby this is really happening,” I whisper to my grinning baby boy.

They say that if you dream about losing your teeth, you may be insecure about some part of your life. DreamMoods.com says that “Dreaming that [my] teeth are falling out  may refer to [my] fears of being embarrassed or making a fool of [myself] in some situation. Perhaps [I] feel unprepared for the task at hand and am afraid of getting ridiculed.” They also say that, “These dreams are often an over-exaggeration of worries and anxieties.” Am I over-exaggerating? I mean, I am full of anxiety because I want my life to make sense. I am not so sure that I’ll raise my son correctly, I am nervous about my new job and I am worried about my personal life.

My phone begins to vibrate intensely because I am a savage and I refuse to put my phone onto airplane mode. Now that we are getting closer to the ground, I am beginning to get all of the notifications that I’ve missed while in the air.” Hey girl, I cannot believe that you left without saying goodbye! Don’t stay mad at me, we’ll get through this. I’ll be there next week to help you settle in,” Tynika texted me, along with about 5 other messages asking for forgiveness. “You neva responded mi Tiffy. We gon link or wat? Mi Miss you and wan to explain everyting,” Semaj messaged. I start to feel more of my anxiety kick in, but something tells me to look down.  I glance down and I see my baby boy staring up at me. He is locking eyes with me and smiling his cute gummy smile, as if he knows that we are officially leveling up in life. Then it hit me, what if  I flip my dream, and pretend that  I just didn’t have teeth to begin with and they will grow in later? Without words, Darren is reminding me how blessed we are. While the loss of teeth may symbolize insecurities, fear and anxiety , it can also symbolize a new beginning or a fresh start. Yes, things are scary right now, but I am just minutes away from stepping foot into my new life that only God can control. There is reassurance in my baby’s gummy smile that everything will be alright.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to LAX Airport. Local time is 6:00pm and the temperature is 73ºF. We hope that your flight was life changing, eye-opening, relaxing and refreshing! Safe journeys!

Audio Version

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What's New

Monday, August 25th News

Hey! I hope you all had a great weekend! Let’s get started with the VMA’s!!
 
Of course Beyonce shut down my time lines last night! LOL! I turned the channel for one second and I got onto Instagram and she was all I saw! She performed and and shut us all up though! Her family may be going through some things but they are still together. That’s really all we need to know.
To see Beyonce’s full performance, CLICK HERE!! 
 
Anyway, Nicki was in a lot of performances last night, but she did her thing as well. They had a moment of silence for Michael Brown which was pretty cool and Miley Cyrus made an attempt to help the homeless…I’m sure she’ll be successful at it.  It was a great show….Even though Iggy fell off the stage LOL. Don’t worry Iggy, it happens to everyone at some point. The way she got back onto stage was fancy though LOL.
Watch the fall below:
 
Chris Brown was shot at this weekend at a nightclub in West, Hollywood…but he wasn’t hit. However, Rapper Suge Knight was shot and injured. Suge’s family told TMZ that he was shot 6 times, once in the arm and 5 times in the stomach. Cops are investigating the shooting and right now they are paying close attention to Blood gang affiliation. Chris was throwing the pre-VMA party on his own at a nightclub that he attends almost every Sunday. Apparently, when he is there dancing and partying, he throws up gang signs and rocks a red bandana. Rapper The Game tried to get into the party but was denied entry…he didn’t leave without a fight and you know he is a Blood. Suge Knight is a Blood. That’s just the speculations going on right now….Get well soon Suge Knight.
For more of the TMZ story, CLICK HERE! 
 
The Illinois Little League Baseball team played their little hearts out yesterday against South Korea. They lost, but not without a little fight. This team full of African American members almost won the World Series Title! Almost is good enough for us! Maybe they’ll have better luck next year..and make history and bring that title home to the USA.
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Kevin Love will now be joining Lebron James on the Cavaliers Court! He is officially playing for Cleveland.
 
Michael Brown’s funeral took place today. It was full of tears, but it was also full of hope. Rev. Al Sharpton said “Don’t do violence “in Michael’s name” among other speakers advocating non-violent behavior. To read the full funeral coverage, click the CNN link below:
http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/25/us/ferguson-michael-brown-funeral/index.html?hpt=hp_inthenews
 
And in the rest of the world, California experienced a terrible earthquake this past weekend, a police chief was shot and killed in Texas, and an American journalist was freed from custody in Syria.
 
 
 
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What's New

Monday, August 4th News!!

I hope you all had a great weekend! I know I did! Well let’s get started with Remy Ma!!
 
We were under the impression that Remy Ma was kept in custody on Friday due to behavior issues and disciplinary action being used…you know what it doesn’t matter what we thought because SHE GOT OUT!! That’s right, Remy Ma is free and she is ready to touch the studio. Hip Hop DX has written a great article with Remy Ma’s post-prison interview with Funkmaster Flex. She discusses how excited she is to be out, DJ Khaled, record label possibilities, and rappers that she is interested in collaborating with…like Nicki Mina, Iggy, and Meek Mill. Click this link to read the article/ interview for yourself: Hip Hop DX 
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Speaking of Nicki Minaj, Beyonce released her Nicki Minaj featured remix to “Flawless” this weekend. Of course people are trying to decipher and interpret this song to see if Beyonce giving any clues to her marriage’s condition. She mentions something about an elevator and now the song is a big investigation LOL. Click on the link Below to access the Youtube clip of the song:
“Flawless” Remix by Beyonce ft. Nicki Minaj
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Michael Strahan was inducted into the ProFootball Hall of Fame on Saturday evening. Congratulations to the former NY Giants Player!!Screen Shot 2014-08-04 at 8.40.30 AM
 
Indiana Pacers’ Paul George suffered a gruesome leg injury on Friday. I couldn’t even watch the video because I am still scarred from the video of Kevin Ware and his leg incident. Anyway, Paul George has undergone sugary and we will have to wait to see how his full recovery will turn out.
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There was a mudslide in Cali and an earthquake in China yesterday. The weather has not been playing any games. Please keep both areas in your thoughts.