“So in today’s session, we are going to discuss your grief. No more sweeping things under the rug, remember? This next step is going to allow us to grieve things; things that once held some form of importance to us. We can grieve more than death you know. We can grieve unwanted events that have changed our paths in life or vice versa, events that we wished occurred, and we can grieve the loss of something, including relationships, jobs or an award that we felt that we deserved. There are 5 steps to grief; 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance. Don’t be afraid, Grieving is good! So, let’s explore this topic; what do you still need to grieve? Let’s begin…”
I love being a therapist! Remember how I told y’all I was moving here to LA for work? Well, after working as a secretary for 2 years and going to school full-time to get my master’s, I can legally say that I am officially a therapist! I am so pressed! These last couple of years have been rough, especially as a single mother, but I made it! (Insert praise break here). I’m loving my income increase too. Because the majority of my clients are celebrities, I get dope gifts, random gift cards and personal invitations to classy events and parties. Baby Darren and I have been living our best lives. Another bonus is, we have been enjoying a lot more meals together on our new dining table now that I have office hours. 9-5pm! Life is good.
Today’s session that I held with my patient made me think; even though I am in a better place in my life, I still have some grief of my own to let out; starting with my relationship with Semaj. He texted me the other day demanding that we finally see each other and I have honestly run out of excuses of why we can’t meet up. I am scheduled to see him later this evening. I am on my way to drop Darren off to his sitter, but I can feel myself drifting off into a grief that I need to address, one that impacted my relationship with Semaj; A grief that I feel took him away from me forever… the loss of my virginity.
Virginity (***Trigger Warning***)
Losing your virginity is a huge deal, especially when everyone knows that you’ve been holding out for “the one.” I mean, I didn’t walk around the school wearing a “100% Virgin” t-shirt, but everyone knew I was a virgin because I wrote about it in the school newspaper one time–it was no big deal! I just wrote, “It’s time for junior prom everyone! Fellas, remember, who you decide to take to prom matters. She will meet your mom and kiss your grandmother’s cheek. So All those girls out there that don’t have a good record (aka are non-virgins) are not a good look. I’m personally waiting for the right one.-Shameless plug.” All the girls in my class hated me after that article. Let’s just say, I sure did have a lot of invitations to prom that year.
Anyways, back to me needing to give my V-card to Semaj. He was so hype when I told him that I was ready. We planned out the perfect setting and scheduled the perfect day and time to have sex! He was so excited and he wanted me so bad. I felt the same. I had to make sure that I gave him something to remember, so the night before the big day, I stayed the night over Ty’s house to talk over the details of what I needed to do to please my boo. She gave me a long ass list of things to do and not-to-do and it made me feel overwhelmed. I was so nervous! I never had sex before and unlike most of the high school kids, I hadn’t even seen porn.
“Girl, just relax and let him do all the work ‘cuz you gonna mess around and break suntin,” Tynika yelled at me. “I can break it? It breaks?” I yelled back. “Okay, what size meat are you working with? Is he big, medium, small?” I felt like we were ordering a freaking burger meal. “Ty, I have never seen it before! I don’t know!” I responded a bit frustrarted. “What the hell are y’all talking about in here?” Ty’s 46 year old-still living with his big sister-alcoholic-uncle asked us as he busted his way into her room. “Ewww, Uncle Ralphie, get out! We are talking about sex.” Ty said. “Oh my gosh, did you really just tell him that? Why would you say that?” I whispered angrily. “What y’all know about sex? Huh? What y’all know about ittttttttttt?” Uncle Ralphie asked, while gyrating and thrusting his drunken hips. Ty jumped up off of her bed, grabbed my hand and we ran pass her uncle, snatching his bottle of whiskey smooth out of his hands. She took me to the backyard.
“Girl Here, smoke this is and take a few shots. You need to relax so that you don’t mess this up!”
I took the shots that Ty handed me and smoked the blunt. I got real relaxed real quick…and then the next thing I knew, it was the next day. “What time is it Ty?” I asked my bestie, while yawning the biggest yawn in life. Ty jumped up onto her bed and started singing a made up song, “Girl, it’s 9:00am and it’s a special day! It’s ya Sha-Boing-Boing Day! Sha Boing-Boing Dayyyyyyyy!” Ty was too hype, too early in the morning. I am not going to lie though, I was so excited to lose my virginity, I had to sing along. We went outside for a wake-and-bake and then it was time for me to get ready. Right before I got into the shower, Ty handed me some more liquor and a razor. “Girl, I gotta go to work! Drink the rest of this so I can throw this bottle out. Here, Shave ya mane in that jungle because I know you probably never have and then leave and get ya freak on. Have fun and call me right after and tell me all about it.” I was too high to respond to her. I just drank the liquor and took thee longest shower of my life! It was also the worst shower of my life.
I was in that shower messed up–drunk, high and horny. I felt relaxed, focused and ready…until I heard a familiar, unwanted male voice in the bathroom with me. “I can answer all your questions for you girl,” he said. I yanked back the shower curtains just enough to see the man’s face. It was Uncle Raphie! ” What the hell are you doing in here? Get out!” I screamed. “Little Girl, I heard you asking all those freaky questions last night and I can show you the answers right now.” Uncle Ralphie grabbed me out of the shower and pulled my wet, naked body against his. He smelled like alcohol and stale saltines and his hands felt so abrasive. I started screaming as loud as I could and tried my hardest to fight him off of me.
“Stop, please stop! get off of me!!” I screamed. “Don’t act like you don’t want this. Calm down so I can give you what you want,” Uncle Ralphie whispered into my ears, after he managed to pin me down on the ground.” He was so strong and drunk, I couldn’t get him off of me. He slipped himself inside of me for 6.5 seconds. The longest seconds of my life.
“Oh my goodness, I can not lose my virginity to this worthless, old ass man!” I thought to myself. I suddenly snapped out of my own drunken state and bit the mess out of his ear. I mean, I actually Mike Tyson’ed him! I bit off a juicy chunk of his ear!
I ran out of the bathroom and grabbed my things from Ty’s room. I didn’t care how naked I was, I ran out into her backyard where I put my clothes on and called Ty, but she didn’t answer. I called my grandmother, but she didn’t answer.
I canceled my “appointment” with Semaj, but I didn’t tell him why because of course, I was too embarrassed and ashamed. The next day, he broke up with me; not because we couldn’t have sex, but because he claimed he had a lot going on at home and the relationship would suffer from his personal issues. I promised him that when the time was right, I would have a whole lot of sex with him. Then he moved away randomly 2 weeks later.
As for Ty’s Uncle Ralphie, he died a month later from Severe Aplastic Anemia. A month after he stole my virginity from me.
Let me go get ready for this date.