I know y’all probably have mad questions about me. Like, what’s my story, who is Craig, who are my 5 friends, why weren’t my parents in the audience… don’t worry, as needed, I will do my best to fill y’all in. Just don’t start asking me too many questions though because remember, I am trying to figure out the rest of my life or whatever.
Okay, so I am a beautiful, intelligent, SEXY, African-American woman from Willingboro, New Jersey–and before you ask, yes, that is an actual place on the map! I am 24 years young, and as I already mentioned, I am a proud mommy of my 135 day old sweet-baby boy, Darren Craig-Semaj Peterson. SIKE NA, SIKE NA, I am just playing; I mean, I am really 24 and a mom, but I hate when people say their kid’s age in days or months after a certain point. Like, why do y’all do that? For instance, I’ll see a fellow mom in the store and I be like, “Awwwww, ma’am, how old is your pretty little daughter?” Then here she go, “Oh, she’s 76 months old.” I hate that with a passion! Like, lady, you were supposed to stop telling people ya child’s age in months after she turned 12 full months, which equals 1 year old! I mean, the little girl is cute and all, but I am not about to stand there doing all that math just to figure out how old she is! My bad, I had to go off real quick because people drive me crazy with that.
Anyway, Darren is 4 months old and he is my new reason for being alive! I really, really love my son-shine. It has truly been by the grace of God that my son and I are still here on Earth because these last few months have been rough! If you’ve ever been to college, you definitely know the struggle is real! Here’s a quick math problem for y’all: think about your collegiate struggle, then add an at risk pregnancy (losing one of two), plus a dead Craig, drama to the tenth power, school work, sorority duties, plus 2 jobs. What does that equal? That equals suicide, but let’s just say that I had an extra credit that I could use on the equation that made it right—God! God balanced it all out.
“Girl, I knew you could do it! Come on Baby D, say yesssss Mommy you did that!” I heard hollered out through a crowd full of strangers. I knew it had to be my number 1 friend (out of my measely 5), Tynika Houston. She has been my best friend since we were riding seesaws & kicking sand together during recess in kindergarten. This girl is my true role-dog, my sister, my homegirl and my most loyal Period Booty Checker. I know that last one just went over a lot of heads. A ‘Period Booty Checker’ is a friend that every girl must have. Let me educate y’all real quick, when a girl is on her period and she doesn’t know whether her pad is doing its’ job or not, she asks her Period Booty Checker friend to look at her butt to make sure she isn’t messing up her pants. Don’t believe me? Watch a girl during her cycle and see if she gives her bestie a special look after she has done the following: gotten up after sitting for a while, walked too fast, ran, just finished dancing, worked out in the gym or the ultimate, decided to wear beige or white pants.
Anyway, I absolutely know for a fact that Tynika will do anything for me. She is a bit over the top and too much to handle 95% of the time, but I don’t know where I would be without that girl. Like me, Tynika is smart, beautiful and bad! I mean, on the low, she is way more bad than I am. You know how guys are always describing a “bad jawn” as a female with a nice shaped body, nice breast, decent size booty and a pretty face? Well, Tynika is the epitome of bad. She also has a tell-it-like-it-is, dope personality, just like me.
Back in the day we called ourselves The Oh So Classy TifTys—pronounced like Tif-Tee’s, but our classmates used to intentionally call us The Oh So Classy Titties because they were low-key immature and jealous. Moving on, everyone in high school knew not to mess with me because of Tynika’s crazy self. She was raised in Willingboro like me, but she was originally from Camden and that’s where she spent most of her time when she wasn’t in school or hanging with me. Anybody who knows Camden, knows not to mess with its natives or their squad. You see, I can’t fight, but my mouth always seems to get me into trouble; so I needed someone like her in my corner so that I wouldn’t get killed. #RealSquadGoals, #MyLifeMatters , #GetYouAFriendLikeMine.
“Hey Mommy’s handsome baby! Come here little daddy!” I said to my baby, while grabbing him out of my friend’s arms. “Go best friend, that’s my best friend! Twerk it, twerk it, ayyyyyyyyy!!” Tynika exclaimed as she broke out into every popular dance move that she could possibly think of. “Girl, how does it feel to finally be on the other side with me? You are like officially a real life adult now!”
“I just can’t believe that I did it! I don’t even know how to describe how I am feeling right now. Did you scream for me when they called out my name?” Y’all know I had to ask. “You’re kidding me right? You think I sat on those hot ass metal bleachers, while bottle feeding your cranky ass breastfed son, just to sit quietly while you got your 6 year-earned degree? How Sway?” Ty responded. I knew I was going to piss her off with that question. I hugged her with my one free arm and laughed.
“Did you peep how they lined me up behind the Video Vixen Queen though? She stole my shine for real.” Tynika’s response may shock y’all a little, so beware **PARENTAL ADVISORY ALERT**. “Girl bye! Ain’t nobody scream for that hoe! No shade, but she was whack in that sex video so we were all booing her—even her parents! Her dad was like, Booo, you ain’t even my real daughter cuz you suck at doin it! Then I started screamin’, bring up my best friend ’cause she can throw it back and blow way better than her dry ass!” Tynika has no filter, whatsoever.
I wanted to respond to her so badly, but my other 4 friends ran up to us and started twerking and causing a scene. I couldn’t even join in with them because I got distracted by a text message that I received from the one person I least expected to hear from. The message read, “Wah Gwaan, everyting irie? Mi sexi girl done got herself a degree! Mi saw u on Tynika’s Snap Chat stori. Mi can’t wait to link up when you come here to stay. U owe mi infinite years of tha good luvin’ when you get to Cali mi Iyanla Vandant…so get tha Pum-Pum tight. One luv mi classy Tiffy Phat.”
My hands began to sweat and my jaw completely dropped. “Tiff, close ya damn mouth before you drool on my godson. Who was that?” Tynika asked me while taking Darren away from me. “Ty…it’s Semaj!”